So the first man replies: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally I went out to the balcony and sure enough there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above the ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off! So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and started hammering on his fingers. Of course he couldn’t stand that for long so he let go and fell – but even after 25 stories, he fell into to the bushes, stunned, but okay. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me and I had a heart attack and died right there on the balcony.”

“That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and asks for his story.

“It’s been a very strange day. You see I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every afternoon I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky and caught the railing of balcony on the floor below me. I knew I coudn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out on to the balcony. I thought for sure I ws saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me! I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned by all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this *refrigerator* comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I’m here.”

Once again, Peter has to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death and let him in.

The third man, came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

“Picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding naked inside a refrigerator…”

WHATEVER
Its a woman’s way of saying F*%K YOU!

What’s really funny is that most of this part is the Truth!
*****************************************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:  
1.. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up..
6. Attempt to insert card into machine…
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt..
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside..
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Revers e back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone..
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

A real woman is a man’s best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be confident, sexy, seductive and invincible. . ..

No wait… shit, I’m sorry… I’m thinking of beer.
That’s what beer does…

2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering “Shut up, all of you, just shut up!”

3. Crack open your briefcase of purse, and while peering inside, ask, “Got enough air in there?

4. Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

5. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

6. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

7. Meow occasionally.

8. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

9. Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce in horror, “You’re one of THEM” and back away slowly.

10. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

11. Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

12. Announce in a demonic voice, “I must find a more suitable host body.”

13. Say “Ding” at each floor.

14. Say “I wonder what all these do?” and push all the red buttons.

15. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

16. Stare, grinning at another passenger for awhile, and then announce, “I have new socks on.”

17. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, “Is that your beeper?”

18. Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.

19. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, “This is my personal space.”

20. When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you.

21. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

22. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

23. Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you’re on.

24. Hold the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, “Hi Greg. How’s your day been?”

25. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, “That’s mine!”

26. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

27. Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
28. Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they’d like to play.

29. Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

30. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
31. Ask, “Did you feel that?”

32. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

33. When the doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay. Don’t panic, they open up again.”

34. Swat at flies that don’t exist.

35. Tell people that you can see their aura.

36. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

37. Shave.

38. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.

39. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now… motion sickness!”

40. Frown and mutter “gotta go, gotta go” then sigh and say “oops!”

41. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

42. Leave a box between the doors.

43. Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head.

44. Start a sing-along.

45. One word: Flatulence!

46. Do Tai Chi exercises

47. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

48. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler “Bad touch!”

49. Sing “Mary had a little lamb” while continually pushing buttons.

50. Bring a chair along.

51. Lean against the button panel.

52. While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, “Hide it…quick!” then whistle innocently.

53. Call out, “group hug!”, then enforce it.